The
Fair
It was a nippy Tuesday morning in April, 1996. In just less than a few weeks the town’s fair will kick off, and in every household the excitement was high. In 45 Loerie Street the bright eyes and smiles were confronted by the thought of Aunty Corneli, who a year ago got onto the swings (a little bit plastered), who then got shot into the universe after a weak link in her swing’s chain broke. They found her six hours later, next to the road, and mopped her up with two dishcloths.
May 27th 2020
That year we were a big group who would all be going to the fair together. I was six years old at the time and my mom said I could take Johnny with, he was my bestest, best friend. Oma Mimi saw on TV that there was going to be a big ship at the fair this year and that it gently swung people forwards and backwards. She then reckoned that this was the ideal ride for the older folk and that she, Uncle Casper, Aunt Vallery and her husband, Uncle Regh would do this ride together. It was about high time theme parks started catering for people over 50, she figured. Two weeks flew by on a whim, and finally the big day was upon us.
It was Saturday, April 25th, and our house was in complete turmoil. Oma Mimi and Aunty Vallery were wearing big, loosely fitted, floral blouses and were busy pinning each other’s shoulder pads. “Mimi, you are going to catch cold if you go out like that”, said Uncle Casper sighing with utter disapproval as he walked past the two women. He was wearing his favorite stovepipe jeans and his hair was brylcreemed to his scalp. When Oma Mimi was finally done with Aunty Vallery, she resembled a tent. My mom and her friend, Almary from Ettiene (Ettiene was Almary’s husband and for some reason there were a lot of Almary’s in town, so this Almary was referred to as Almary from Ettiene) were busy doing their make-up and teasing their hair into a whole new dimension. Almary from Ettiene was wearing so many bangles that when she walked, she sounded like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. My mom emptied an entire bottle of Panache on herself and placed seven chokers around her neck. Johnny was wearing his beige denim pants and his Power Rangers jacket, and I was wearing my new Little Mermaid tracksuit.
Uncle Jerry's Caravelle
Mimi’s Fiat. Uncle Jerry made sure he left before my grandma did because no one really wanted to drive behind her since her car had a nasty backfire and smoked more than usual from the exhaust. My grandma initially wanted me and Johnny to drive with her and Aunty Vallery, but I started crying and said she should rather take Almary from Ettiene. One was always very embarrassed to drive somewhere with Oma Mimi because her cars usually had a beat to them and everyone immediately knew when she arrived somewhere. She didn’t seem too bothered by it now that I think back.
Outside we heard a honk and we all stormed to the front door at the same time, it was Uncle Jerry and Aunty Drucella. They had a VolksWagen Caravelle and we were all going to drive with them. Aunty Drucella lived a life very close to God but she was addicted to sex, alcohol and ibuprofen. Her brother, Uncle Jerry, opened the boot for Johnny and myself and we got in. Almary from Ettiene had to sit in the back with us because there wasn’t enough space for everyone in the front, and I was extremely unhappy about this because I didn’t like the bitch. We still had to go pick up Aunty Cecile Trusello, and this was when Oma Mimi and Aunty Vallery decided to rather go to the fair by themselves in Oma
In the Caravelle I heard Herbie and Spence’s “Crazy Love” playing on the radio, a little bit too loud, too. They were performing that night and the grownups had been looking forward to it for months. And then it dawned on me why
Oma Mimi and Aunty Vallery wanted to catch cold. I looked out from the back-window and saw Oma Mimi taking a corner too sharp, bending two of her rims as she destroyed yet another pavement. Uncle Jerry hooked the Caravelle into fourth gear, and on the corner of Main Reef and Church Street was where we picked up Aunty Cecile Trusello. She was a seamstress but Oma Mimi used to complain about her a lot. She always used to say “The Lord alone knows what that woman does with her time but sew, she most definitely doesn’t. In the summer of 1992 I gave her a pattern for palazzo pants and a chiffon blouse and up until this day never heard anything about that again".
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Aunty Cecile and Aunty Drucella met each other two years ago at a rock concert where they were back-up singers for a local band doing a cover of "Pour some sugar on me" by Def Leppard. Aunty Cecile was a very exotic woman and I used to stare and wonder at her outfit choices. That day, her hair was braided, halfway, tightly against her scalp. The rest of her hair was tied together with all kinds of different straps and ribbons and it resembled something like a seagull trapped in a fisherman’s net. She had one of her curtains around her neck, with a blouse and a very long and colorful skirt which she tightened around her waist using measuring tape.
Aunty Drucella started crying when Herbie and Spence’s “I shall be released” played on the radio, still too loud. Johnny was singing along, and my mom and Uncle Casper were talking about how important it was to follow an alkaline diet and how doctors these days, just too easily, prescribed antibiotics and that condensed milk and Turlington’s actually did the exact same thing. Finally, we arrived at the fair. The excitement got too much for Aunty Drucella and it was then that she opened her door and got out before Uncle Jerry even stopped the Caravelle. “Are you completely fucked Drucella”, he yelled as she fell out of the Caravelle, hitting her head on the bonnet of Oma Mimi’s Fiat. He drove over her leg a little bit, with the back tire, but she instantly got back up and assured everyone that she was fine. Except for the lump on her head and the grass stains on her skirt, she looked fine to me too.
The night was filled with the sounds of small children and grownups excitedly laughing. The smells of curry and rice, pancakes and candy floss pierced your nose. Mammoth white tents were pitched all over the grounds and just behind their tops glistened the lights from the theme park. Rows upon rows of shiny, washed cars are parked in the parking lot and in their thousands, people are flocking to the gates. Aunty Cecile Trusello and Uncle Casper made sure that they got to the gates before Oma Mimi because she always embarrassed people when she started bargaining to gain entrance at a lower price.
Pete's Moped
Just before we entered the gates we heard a familiar, sharp little hooter and when we looked back we saw Pete, Oma Mimi’s brother, and his friend Harry arriving on Pete’s moped. Pete only had one helmet so Harry was wearing an industrial hard hat. They hopped from the moped and made their way towards us. Pete was wearing a pure white suite paired with white shoes. “Lord”, Oma Mimi said discouraged, “They were at the Horseshoe Dancehall again, hurry up everyone before they see us”. Before Oma Mimi could stop it, Aunty Drucella let go of a whistle, like something you’d expect to hear from an anxious shepherd, and waved feverishly at Pete and Harry. Harry and Aunty Drucella went parachuting two years ago and upon landing, Harry hurt his leg so now he walked with difficulty and we had to wait a while for them to catch up.
Aunty Val, standing proudly with the mampoer
Oma Mimi got all of us in at R5 per person, but little did she know that my mom and Almary from Ettiene crawled underneath one of the fences. Almary from Ettiene’s hair hooked to the fence but my mom cut her free with a pair of scissors. They already stole two pairs of sunglasses each, this was their thing. Each year they stole something for the thrill of it. Last year Almary from Ettiene left the fair with an entire wedding cake and ice trays for her entire family. The grownups were in absolute ecstasy with everything they saw and came across in the stalls. Johnny and I both got two big balloons that were filled with rice and we walked and shook the living shit out of those things. Pete and Harry weren’t fazed in the least by the stalls and immediately went to the beer
garden. Oma Mimi got herself a toffee apple and gave me and Johnny one too. I dropped mine on the floor at least three times and later put it in my tracksuit pocket. She bit through that thing like a hungry horse in Siberia, cracked her canine and pulled out four fillings. In the meantime, Aunty Drucella, Aunty Cecile and Aunty Vallery found themselves stuck at a mampoer (very strong South African alcohol) stall in order to gain courage for the ship they were all going to ride later that evening.
Spence, Aunty Cecile's world
At last, it was time for Herby and Spence’s performance. Aunty Drucella swallowed an ibuprofen with mampoer and was so drunk by this time you could perform magic on her. We were right at the front of the stage, the lights went off, dead silence fell over the tent, then Aunty Drucella yelled something inappropriate and then Herbie and Spence appeared on stage. Oma Mimi took off her heels and replaced them with sandals, because her athlete’s foot was busy getting her down. The first song that played was “All the years Juanita” and everyone was singing along. Midway through the song Aunty Drucella surprised us all with an awful yodel and yelled “put it in Vallery”. Aunty Vallery closed her eyes and pushed a note so unbefuckinglievably false that she completely threw Herbie off key. Aunty Cecile had her eyes glued to Spence and was busy with the buttons on her blouse. Just before she reached the fourth button the show was luckily over.
Here's the hit
Aunty Cecile's demise
and me to ride the teacups. These types of things scared Aunty Cecile, together with Jehova’s witnesses and cold dinners, and therefore she said she’d rather do the teacups with me and Johnny and skip the ship all together. We went around twice, and when those things finally picked up speed and made their first turn with us, that woman yelled blue murder that they must stop! After the third turn she yelled “You fuck!” at the worker manning the teacups, and then she started crying. Johnny and I bump ourselves bruises as the teacups threw us back and forth. When we finally made the last turn and stopped, Aunty Cecile was ripped out of her curtain, measuring tape and braids.
Earlier that night we all agreed to meet each other on the corner of tent E at eight PM, and that we would all go to the theme park together from there. My mom and Almary from Ettiene had already bought us tickets. In the distance we saw Pete and Harry and his hoop leg approaching us. Oma Mimi was once again overly embarrassed by her brother but she was too shy to say anything because her canine fell out 30 minutes earlier during Herbie and Spence’s show and she didn’t want people to know. We all went through the theme park section’s gates and my mom took Johnny
Uncle Pete
When we got off, Uncle Casper came running excitedly and said “Hurry, come! Pete and Harry are going to ride the Dive Bomb!” That was the most spine-chilling ride in the entire theme park, and consisted of two enormous pendulums that swung past each other and then would proceed to make 360 degree loops. We all gawked at Pete and Harry when they were strapped in their seats. “Pete, you’re looking for shit now”, Oma Mimi yelled irritated above the crowd. The worker pressed the button and the ride started. It wasn’t long until everyone was upside down and it was then that all sorts of things started falling from the heavens; coins, wallets, false teeth, Pete’s glass eye, I.D books, Almary from Ettiene, cigarettes and vomit. When those two got off that ride they were both scared sober. Ettiene came to pick Almary up and decided to take her home before she completely lost control. “Well” said Oma Mimi, “Now we’re gonna ride the ship”.
Oma Mimi and the rest of the grownups got onto the ship. After her experience on the teacups, Aunty Cecile firmly decided that she was done with the theme park and volunteered to stand with Johnny and me as the rest do the ride. The ship is almost was big as Klerkdorp’s P.C Pelser Bridge. Oma Mimi, Aunty Vallery, my mom, and Aunty Drucella sat way at the back on the edge of the ship while Uncle Casper, Uncle Regh, and Uncle Jerry sat at the front end of the ship. One bench on the ship could take a row of six people. The four women all sat next to each other and laughed and chatted cheerfully about the Herbie and Spence show from earlier in the evening, and about Almary from Ettiene who went home early. The worker pressed the button and the ship slowly started moving forwards and backwards. “Now isn’t this nice” Oma Mimi said, “One wants to relax and be calm, I don’t know what Harry and Pete thought when they decided to do the DiveBomb”. She hung over the railing and blew me a kiss, I caught it and put it in my tracksuit’s pocket with my toffee apple, and blew her a kiss back. Slowly but surely the ship started picking up speed and Aunty Drucella was visibly seen holding on tighter and tighter to the iron bar that was folded over her lap. “Mimi, this is starting to feel a bit rough for me, didn’t you say…..” “Shut up, fuck, whore” Oma Mimi responded fast (clearly very nervous and irritated) before Aunty Drucella could even finish her sentence. In the meantime Johnny and I got tired of standing and decided to sit crossed legged on the ground whilst we stared at the ship. I took my toffee apple from my pocket and started eating it again. All of a sudden, I heard a yell so loud that it could single handedly raise the dead. The yell came from either an exorcist or a real estate agent encountering a potential client.
The Dive Bomb
Johnny, the toffee apple, the ship
loudly “Jesus, receive me as I enter Your gates”. She raised her hands into the heavens, eyes tensely shut, and then it happened, her bra strap shot loose. When that ship came back down to earth, the force of the wind ripped her completely out of her blouse. “Drucella your blouse!” yelled Oma Mimi, “Fuck my blouse!” yelled Aunty Drucella back. As gravity pulled them back to earth, her right breast went under her arm whilst the left tit got Aunty Vallery right between the eyes. Oma Mimi’s mouth was open so wide you could see right through her. In the meantime Aunty Cecile completely pissed herself and stood doubled over, laughing at the scene in front of her. For one last time the ship shot up into the universe, and on the horizon my mom saw how Almary from Ettiene left the fairgrounds with two security officers by her side.
The ship was now almost at full speed and Oma Mimi, Aunty Vallery and Aunty Drucella’s eyes were as big as ostrich ani. Every time the ship moved past the worker, I heard the most inappropriate language leaving my grandma’s lips. Every word was enunciated with explosive power, passion and hate. I heard her say something about the worker’s mom at one point, but I can’t really remember what it was. They were now at full speed and the ship's bow was perpendicular with the ground. Oma Mimi, Aunty Vallery, my mom, and Aunty Drucella were all at least 50 meters high up in the air. Aunty Drucella couldn’t take it anymore and started praying
At long last the ship came to a halt. Aunty Drucella covered herself in Aunty Cecile’s curtain and found comfort in the arms of Harry. They left the grounds together that night without saying a word to anyone. Oma Mimi apologized to the worker and said that she was sorry about what she had said about his mother. I took my grandma’s hand and lovingly looked up at her and said; “That’s a cute ship that isn’t it oma?” We all were back in the Caravelle. Oma Mimi and Aunty Vallery were following in her Fiat. Herbie and Spence’s “I misunderstood you” softly played over the radio. Uncle Jerry didn’t want to show it, but you could see that he was a bit worried about his sister Drucella, who perished in the flesh and then went off with Harry-hoop-leg. Addictions are very difficult to break my mom always says.
Two works better than one, Oma Mimi says
whispered “Thank you Jesus”, and fell asleep. My town’s fair was the highlight on everyone’s calendars for many years, but no one would ever forget the fair of 1996.
We dropped Aunty Cecile off on the corner at Louis’ café, because her son was going to meet her there and take her home. Uncle Jerry stopped at 45 Loerie Street and Johnny and I jumped out of the boot. The grownups all said goodbye to each other and went to their respective houses. Oma Mimi lay down on her bed later that night listening to Radio Without Borders, when she suddenly heard her bother Pete’s voice on the radio asking his friend Harry to please come and fetch him from the fair as he and Drucella left there without him. She dissolved an extra strength aspirin in a small cup of water and then dipped a cloth in the solution, which she then gently placed on her forehead, she took a big sip of Old Brown Sherry and
