When that bottle made its way back to her it was completely empty. “Oh baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love don’t feel like it should, you make it hurt so good” sang Oma Babs at the top of her lungs whereafter she proceeded to ask Oma Mimi to light up a cigarette for her. Just as we were about to turn off the road onto the dirt road, which leads to the farm, we saw rows upon rows of cars. There was a big thunderstorm in Brits the night before and the dirt road was completely washed away. Uncle Tony, Oma Louie’s eldest son, was there with a Massey Ferguson and a wagon,
which he used to transport everyone up the road to the house where the wedding will take place. All the guests were loaded and one explosion and a big ball of white smoke later and we were off. The Lebanese knew nothing about engines and told Aunty Una that it was probably a loose bearing or a piston or a thing.
The Wedding,
the farm and, the tart
It wasn’t long until the doorbell rang. It was aunty Una, my mom, and Almary from Ettiene. Aunty Una was with a Lebanese man. His name was Uncle George and he spoke broken English. "Yes, ma'am," said I when he walked through the door. At this point in my life, I myself had limited English-speaking abilities and saw on television that English people with manners said yes ma'am. Aunty Una has never had a boyfriend for longer than two months because she could simply not see herself bound to one man. Oma Betty was always very worried about her. “Una," she said in a very soft and caring tone, "What happened to Bob Bellagamba? He was such a soft and a good, honest man.” “Too soft and not nearly as good, if you know what I mean” Aunty Una responded, winking at Almary from Ettiene.
“You should know by now that I like musicians and sailors and besides, Bob Bellagamba wore button-down sweaters and long socks with khaki shorts, and no woman wants to get into bed next to something that looks like it needs to tame a wild cat or pull down a rhino, do you understand what I’m saying?” My mom always said that it was such a pity; Uncle George could have been a dish had he had more money. Almary from Ettiene didn’t greet me at all. We both gave each other an ugly glare and
It was a warm summer morning in 45 Loerie Street and the excitement ran high. Oma Louie, my dad’s mom, was getting married to her fifth husband later that afternoon. The previous four passed away and we assume it was due to natural causes. We went to fetch Oma Babs from the old age home and she and Oma Betty were in the kitchen busy with a tart and the wedding cake. The two of them giggled and chatted cheerfully as they decorated the cake. Oma Mimi was in the living room, busy watching the rebroadcast of Dallas, and yelled at me, in a highly irritated tone, to fetch her a newspaper so that she could stamp Stoffel’s piss out of the carpet. “There you go grandma,” I said with a lollipop in my mouth. She jerked the newspaper from my hands and spread it open on the floor and proceeded to militaristically stamp on the spot. I stood back and looked at her from a safe distance, wondering how the Lord could have possibly created such a beautiful woman. Even here, in the early morning hours, with curlers here and there, drooping from her hair, wrapped up in her pink gown, she was one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid my eyes on. “Dammit Sue-Ellen, JR is a whoremonger!” she said as she blew out a cloud of cigarette smoke whilst aggressively stamping on the newspaper to absorb the dog’s piss from her carpet. I could see that she was very anxious that day but I understood why. We were a big group of people who would all drive to Brits together at noon and she just didn’t seem to have the energy for it all.
Oma Babs, busy baking.
Uncle George
then she and my mom were off to Oma Mimi’s room to start getting ready. Oma Mimi told me to make more confetti because time was running out. Oma Louie was on a tight budget and all the grandchildren were asked to make confetti using a paper punch.
The tart and the wedding cake were ready and so the women all started to get ready themselves. It was 9 AM and the stress of it all was busy getting to Oma Mimi. She poured everyone a sherry, something she did in happy or stressful times. “Bottoms up!” yelled Aunty Una and finished her sherry in one quick movement. Oma Babs didn’t know of any better and followed Aunty Una’s lead, also finishing her sherry in one gulp. “Your heart Babs!” said Oma Betty and so the women carried on titivating. I asked for more pink paper and then made my last bunch of confetti.
Finally, the big moment arrived. It was time for the women to emerge from the room and Uncle George and I were anxiously waiting to see what would appear from the confines of Oma Mimi’s quarters. Almary from Ettiene came out first. She was terribly inconspicuous and did not make an impression on me whatsoever; I hated the woman so I didn't expect anything less. After her, my mom appeared. Her hair was big and her fringe was pinned in a bubble. By her hair alone it was clear that she was in the real estate business. She was in a black catsuit with a big sizable silver necklace, complimented with a fake diamond on her finger. If the whoremonger could see her now he’d break Sue-Ellen’s heart all over again. Then came Oma Mimi’s turn. “Fuck” whispered Almary from Ettiene when Oma Mimi walked through the door. Her hair was prettier than ever. She died her roots, especially for the occasion. Her eyes were dark, something that would've made Cleopatra turn in her grave. Around her neck was a golden necklace that she received from Uncle Eugene. Her lips were perfectly colored and she was in a red chiffon blouse with black piped wide-leg pants and golden heels. "Where did the cat piss?” said Oma Betty shaking her head. This was something she always said when
Oma Mimi in her outfit.
someone looked good. Last, but not in any way the least, was Aunty Una’s turn. She was in a low-cut, leopard print leotard that was apparently two sizes too small, as she constantly had to keep the sisters from falling out. With the leotard, she wore a tight miniskirt and unnaturally long black heels. The look was completed with her red hair tied up in a leopard print bow with two streaks of hair hanging from either side of her face. "Let's go girls!" said the slut and so we got ready to leave.
Before we went out of the house, Oma Mimi asked me to do a few things for her. I had to make sure that all the windows were closed, that there was water in the kettle, that Stoffel had water in his bowl, and to make sure that the oven was switched off against the wall. Uncle Eugene was Oma Mimi’s date for the wedding and he came to pick us all up in his Volkswagen Caravelle. Before we left, Oma Betty asked whether we remembered the tart. “Yes, I’m here!” yelled Aunty Una from the back while she was coloring her lips. It was then when Oma Mimi asked me to quickly run back into the house to get the tart from the fridge. It was more or less a two-hour drive to Brits and then probably an extra 30 minutes to reach the farm gates. Poor Oma Louie, she really wanted to have her wedding at a place where she could have all her friends with her but her daughter told her that a cemetery was no place to have a wedding so in the end, she decided to have the wedding on her farm. When we reached the Ventersdorp road, Oma Mimi took out a small bottle of sherry from her handbag and passed it around the Caravelle.
That wagon went over a rock at one point and tilted dangerously to the left. Oma Mimi was busy double-clutching a cigarette as the experience got too much for her. Oma Babs fell over and it took three full-grown men to get her back onto her feet. “The sunflowers are looking good Tony!” yelled Oma Mimi holding her cigarette. “Looks like the plague missed you guys this year” and then we stopped on the farm grounds.
June 9th 2022
Aunty Una
The ceremony was held underneath the big, old camel thorn tree in the front yard. There were white chairs in rows stacked out on the lawn. "Don't take your shoes off" my mom told me, "We don't have money but people don't need to know that”. A white carpet was rolled out for the bride and on each side of the carpet were pink and white balloons tied to the armrests of the chairs. There was a massive vase filled with sunflowers and wheat next to the pulpit and a string of lights scantily hanging from the tree. Aunty Melissa, Oma Louie’s youngest, showed Oma Betty where to put the wedding cake. She was dressed in something
I immediately had to run to my cousin, Susan's room because she, Maritza, and I were going to be the flower girls and we had one hour to get ready before the wedding started. To my disappointment, the measurements of my dress were off by two centimeters around my bust so I had no other choice than to brave the wedding in my suit, I mean, how boring could this day get? The women all went to the bathroom to do final renovations on their outfits and faces and then slowly but surely made their way to their seats. In front, next to the pulpit, sat Abraham, my cousin. He was playing Careless Whisper by George Michael on his recorder while Susan, Maritza, and I walked down the aisle throwing corn and sunflower seeds on the floor as we went. “She looks beautiful,” whispered Almary from Ettiene to my mom when I walked past them. I gave her a nasty look but decided that her presence at this wedding will not keep me from doing my best flower
girl job and then proceeded to throw corn and sunflower seeds. We finally reached the pulpit and turned around to wait for the bride. Abraham ran out of air nearing the end of his song and the sound desperately escaped the recorder in bits and pieces, as he was finishing up. Everybody got quiet then and you could hear a buzz as everyone whispered, wondering where the bride could be.
that represented a medieval, black plague motif with a veil covering her eyes. My mom told me that Aunty Melissa was in mourning because she barely had time to process the death of Oma Louie’s previous husband and here she was today mere hours away from welcoming yet another father figure into her life. "You guys can put the tart on the kitchen table," said Aunty Melissa. "I've been on a desk and a dining room table but never before on a kitchen table, and no matter how tempting it may sound, I'm not missing this wedding for anything!" said Aunty Una as she sat down in her chair.
“Louie do you take Boet as your lawfully wedded husband. Do you promise to love and cherish him, in good and in bad times, in sickness and health, for richer for poorer? Do you promise to keep yourself just for him for as long as you both shall live? “Say yes Louie” Oma Mimi yelled from her seat, I saw she didn’t have her tooth in. “Boet do you take Louie as your lawfully wedded wife. Do you promise to love and cherish her, in good and in bad times, in sickness and health, for richer for poorer? Do you promise to keep yourself just for her for as long as you both shall live? “Say no!” yelled Aunty Melissa from the crowd as she readjusted the veil over her sad stricken face.
My mom somewhere in a sunflower field.
It was kind of sad knowing Oma Babs was missing all of this. She loved weddings but we had to lock her up in one of the guest rooms after she had too much sherry on her way here. It was a lovely ceremony up until the point where we were all asked to sing How great thou art. My mom was in a happy-clappy church so instinctively started speeding the beat up by clapping her hands vigorously and swaying her hair from left to right. “Hold yourself back Romien!” said Oma Mimi through her teeth to my mom, “There’s a time and a place!” It only got worse when she yelled amen back at the minister every time he minister said something she agreed with. It was the closest Aunty Una ever came to being in a church and I’m sure she thought that at any moment now she was going to catch fire.
At long last, we saw her. There she was at the end of the lawn, held up by her eldest son, Uncle Tony. “Don’t cry for me Argentina” started playing over the speakers as Oma Louie and Uncle Tony made their way down the aisle. Oma Mimi quickly put out her cigarette underneath her chair and then everyone got up. She looked absolutely stunning. She was in her white bowling pants and a long white blouse that had strings hanging down to her knees. In her hair, she wore a side curtain that was kept in place with a small tiara. Uncle Boet, her future husband, and Aunty Melissa, the daughter in mourning, were both in tears. Both Oma Louie and Uncle Tony were walking a bit off beat and she kicked a chicken, pecking up the corn and sunflower seeds we threw, out of her way.
We were all then asked to make our way over to the reception hall. It was held in the big barn right next to the house. Oma Mimi and the other women immediately poured a sherry and then proceeded to walk to our table. In the middle of each table was a cauliflower of considerable size surrounded by empty fish cans each containing a Malva flower. Over on the other side of the barn, in one of the corners, was a spit with tables that moaned under the heavy weight of salads and many other side dishes that you’d expect at a wedding. Abba’s Pan flute CD was softly playing in the background as everyone chatted, laughed, and caught up with friends and family. Abraham was just about to pull out his recorder but thank God for his mother who stopped him just in time. She told him to go find Maritza, Susan, and me as we had to start sprinkling flour on the dance floor.
taking place between Uncle George and Aunty Una. Maritza, Susan, and I then quickly handed out our paper punch confetti and so the newlyweds walked down the aisle as blues, pinks, and yellows colored the skies above them. Uncle Tony opened up a crate and seven wild guineafowl took flight as Oma Louie and her new husband, and father to her children moved through the crowd.
"If there's anyone present here today that has a reason why this couple should not be united in a holy marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace." We heard a commotion and the sound of a chair falling over and saw that Uncle Tony was pinning Aunty Melissa down to the floor, as she was about to raise her hand in objection to this beautiful day. "With that, I now legally declare you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride" and with that Minister Francis concluded the ceremony. A cow mooed in the distance, “Yes ma’am!” I yelled, and then everyone jumped to their feet as whistles and laughter filled the air around us. There was confusion amongst some of the guests as they weren’t really sure whether to focus on the bridal couple or on the inappropriate kissing
In the meantime, the newlyweds were somewhere outside in a cornfield busy taking wedding pictures and I think Uncle George and Aunty Una weren’t far behind them, as she herself, loved nibbling on a corncob. At long last, the two lovebirds entered through the barn doors. Camera flashes flickered everywhere and whistles echoed throughout the barn. The lovely old couple then took their seats at the bridal table and so the speeches started. Just as Uncle Boet’s brother was about to make a toast to the bride, uncle George and Aunty Una sneaked in from one of the side doors. There was a corn leaf in her hair and Uncle George had three buttons missing from his shirt. "Where were they oma?” I asked oma Mimi. “Probably went plowing” she answered back and flicked the ash from her cigarette into one of the empty fish tins on the table. I didn’t know planting season was upon us but I knew that farming was hard work and admired Uncle George and Aunty Una’s dedication to the profession. After the speeches, everyone was asked to start dishing up and the excitement in the room was almost electric as we all knew that the dance floor would finally be opened after dinner. Oma Betty went to the front of the barn and took the mic. She asked everyone to please save their leftovers and bones for Stoffel, her dog, and proceeded to take an empty Checkers bag from her clutch which she shamelessly waved in the air.
After an hour or so people were done eating and everyone around our table topped up their drinks. The lights were dimmed and the couple was asked to move to the middle of the dance floor. Everyone was on their feet and stared lovingly at the site of new love between two unbelievably old people. Uncle Boet looked deep into oma Louie’s eyes and her face welcomed his warm gaze. He placed his hand around her waist and passionately pulled her closer to him, almost dislocating her left hip. She giggled innocently and placed her hand on his shoulder and all of a sudden “I like the way you move” blasted from the speakers and so the two of them opened the dance floor. “I like the way you, look at me with those beautiful eyes, I like the way you, act all surprised” sang Uncle Boet while he pulled up his shoulders, walking to oma Louie, snapping his left hand's fingers below his waist to the rhythm. He grabbed her and they made an aggressive turn and just then everyone was encouraged to join. With all the romance in the air, it was simply impossible for Aunty Una to contain herself for one minute longer so she grabbed Uncle George and ended up leading the dance. My mom had a box of Grandpa powders that she took out of her handbag. She knew that the wedding has now reached the point where things were going to get ugly. The only way she’s ever been able to cope with loud noises and frisky old men was to push back a Grandpa powder so she proceeded to hand one out to all the women around our table.
The time had arrived for the bride to throw the bouquet and all the single women were asked to go to the front of the barn. The family decided that it will be best not to throw a garter this time around because at Oma Louie's previous wedding the garter cut off her blood supply and they almost had to bury her. Aunty Una was right in front and on the count of three Oma Louie threw the bouquet. She was a bit overzealous and really put her weight behind the throw. That bouquet went straight for the roof and almost took a barn owl out before it came back to earth. Aunty Una shoved Maritza to the side like an aggressive lesbian at an EDM party and caught the bouquet with her left hand; her right hand still had Maritza pinned to the floor. Since there wasn’t a garter this time around, all the single men were asked to come to the front and sit on the rows of seats that were neatly placed out. Aunty Una was told that she could choose any of the eligible bachelors to dance with. The last time she had a row of men like this in front of her was when she was asked to identify the man who broke into her car. She always had a thing for bad boys, she dropped all charges and they ended up dating for a month or so.
Aunty Una decided on poor old Abraham. She was at least 22 years older than him but age has never been something that held her back. It kind of looked as if Abraham was enjoying the attention of this middle-aged woman. After dancing three songs in a row Aunty Una grabbed Abraham’s face, planted one on his lips, and asked; “Do you want to go again?” “Yes, Aunty!" replied Abraham. "You can say yes aunty, you should just not say no aunty, and if you say yes aunty you shouldn't say more aunty." She gave him a pinch on the cheek and made her way back to the table. She had this thing where she wanted to leave a man wanting more and by the looks of Abraham's red face and frantic panting, she once again succeeded.
When she reached the table, Oma Mimi took out a small plastic bag from her clutch. It was blue vitriol. She asked Aunty Una for her Champaign glass and emptied the content from the little plastic bag into her drink. Blue vitriol is usually used in a pool and gives the water a nice and sparkling appearance but during the border war in South Africa, some of the men were given blue vitriol to keep their sexual urges at bay. “Thank you Miems, the Lord knows I need this tonight. I am a time bomb on the brink of exploding, oh please look after me tonight!" She downed her drink in one swift movement, slammed the glass on the table, and proceeded to return to the dance floor where she took center stage, dancing the Macarena. "She must have had a great time working as a nurse during the war," said Oma Betty while she snacked on a piece of quiche.
Oma Mimi initially said that she will go to bed at 12 AM, but the problem with 12 AM is that it’s exactly one minute before 2 AM if one isn’t careful. By 2 AM that morning the celebrations of the day were slowly but surely coming to an end and everyone was getting ready to go to bed. We stayed over on the farm that night and would only drive back to Klerksdorp the following morning. Oma Mimi went over to the bride and groom to say good night and pulled Oma Louie to the side, “Louie, are you at least prepared and ready for the wedding night?” she asked. “Of course, Miems! Una gave me a bit of that blue vitriol of hers and I threw a bit in Boet’s drink, and in any case, after my hip replacement I've learned to say yes to life and don't stand back for anything." They hugged each other and then Oma Mimi took the wedding gift she bought out from her clutch. It was a small little envelope, “Oh Louie, it’s really just something small.” When she opened it I saw that it was a R30 MTN airtime voucher and 2 hours of free minutes she could use after 8 PM. I was extremely embarrassed.
We all went to our rooms but Aunty Una said that they were going to stay for a bit longer. She and Uncle George decided to have one last drink after which they decided to go lay on the grass and look for satellites in the night sky. “Can I also look for satellites Oma?” I asked Oma Mimi but she said that satellite spotting was for grown-ups and that I’d understand one day. The next morning we all had breakfast underneath the big, old camel thorn tree. Uncle Boet and Oma Louie made their way to the table and I could see she was walking with a limp. Shame, it must have been that hip of hers, I thought to myself. Aunty Una wore uncomfortably big sunglasses and didn’t say much that morning. I don’t think she felt very good because no mortal being could dance the Macarena like that woman could and then get out of bed normal the next morning.
After breakfast, we said goodbye to Uncle Boet and Oma Louie. They were going to Margate for their honeymoon. They both left on a horse to Uncle Ortlep’s farm after which he drove them to the airport with his bakkie. “How romantic!” said Aunty Una. “I think I was a horse in my previous life”. “Why?” asked Oma Betty, “Is it because you have such long legs?” “No Aunty Betty don’t be silly” laughed Aunty Una nudging Oma Betty in the shoulder, “Because I’ve been ridden so much!” “Come slut” said Oma Betty and took Aunty Una’s hand as they both laughed and walked off to go pack up the last of their stuff in their rooms.
The journey back to Klerksdorp was quite calm compared to the mess of a journey on our way to the wedding. All along the road laid the green fields, spread out like a kitchen tablecloth, as far as the eye can see. “Making love out of nothing at all” by Air Supply was playing softly over the radio. “Damn, my darling Louie," said Oma Mimi as she pulled deep on her cigarette, “Who would have thought two years ago that you’d ever get married again?” “Oh, how beautiful love is!” said Aunty Una in a tone of excitement as she stared out the window, watching the fields roll by. “To be able to quench one’s thirst in the bubbly fountain of love, to get lost in the eyes of a lover….. oh, what I wouldn’t give to be able to go on a honeymoon one
Uncle Boet's banana underwear.
day!” “What are you talking about? You have yet to return!” replied Oma Betty. In the meantime, Oma Mimi received an SMS from Oma Louie saying that they'd made it safely to Margate and that they'd just booked into their hotel. Oma Louie told us to come visit again soon. “Tell Una I say thanks for her wedding gift, I’m sure Uncle Boet will be crazy about the g-string. He also says to please thank her for his banana underwear, I guess I’m having fruit tonight ;)